Here is a great article that was posted on the Na blog for girls on how we can apply the gospel in our lives in the area of relationships.It’s a leap year, single ladies, and that spells opportunity!
Back in the fifth century, St. Bridget complained to St. Patrick that women were forced to wait too long for a marriage proposal. According to legend, St. Patrick set aside one day every four years so forlorn females could “pop the question.” That day is February 29. The tradition has found its way around the world; Scotland even made it a law in 1288—any man who refused a proposal was required to pay a fine! The idea is: leap year fixes the calendar, ‘Female proposal days’ fix eating alone on a Friday night.
But it’s not that simple, is it? Because before marriage there must be relationship, and to build a relationship there must be time invested. And in everyday life, that’s called dating. (I mean intentional, God-honoring dating, not the non-committal, superficial, romance-driven kind the culture prefers.)
If you’re like me, it can take a lot of work to figure out something that feels so abstract. We hear a lot about the gospel. And we hear a lot about relationships. Cue the confusion. As “they” say, it’s like trying to fit a square peg in to a round hole. But when we brush away the complexities of culture and the emotionalism of relationships, we begin to see a bit clearer.
A friend of mine was working in our children’s ministry class one Sunday. She said for every question asked (no matter what the question!), one little girl would raise her hand and say, “Jesus died for our sins.” We can chuckle at this child’s ignorance revealed, but this little girl got it. The gospel is (1) simple and (2) relevant to all areas of life!
As John Stott states, “The gospel is Christ crucified.” Consider what these few words mean: Jesus Christ willingly stepped out of heaven to be our sacrifice. He lived a perfect life—though fully man and tempted in every way, he did not sin. He willingly walked the road to the hill called Calvary so that his blood could be shed on the cross for sinners. His spilled blood was the sacrifice needed to atone for every one of our sins so we could live at peace with God. Mercy triumphed over judgment on that day and that is why we can live as forgiven sinners. You see, Jesus was treated as if he had lived my life—sinful, disobedient, in direct opposition to God. But because of what he did for us on the cross, you and I are treated as if we lived the Savior’s life: perfect and holy and righteous. That’s an incredible truth that makes an incredible claim on our lives. Because he was treated as our sins deserve, we are treated as Christ deserved. That truth reaches even to our relationships. It shows us how to live unselfishly, to put another first, and to honor God in our guy/girl relationships.
I remember when this first started evidencing itself in my perspective on relationships. Though I wasn’t an outwardly rebellious teenager, my sin would brew internally and display itself primarily in my thoughts and worldview. I remember consciously deciding to disagree with courtship—not because I opposed it in principle, but because of what it required of me. I could argue pros and cons with the best of them, but my worldview was motivated by a desire for ease and that formed my decisions. In college, I was editor of the school newspaper. Shortly into my editorial appointment, the president of the student council asked me on a date. The administration, catching wind of the potential scandal, told me to decline on the basis of ‘conflict of interest.’ I went on the date twenty-four hours later. I wanted to have fun and do the unexpected; but this decision came with serious consequences. As the gospel became more real to me, a decision that seemed innocent soon became messy.
In my selfishness, I decided to date this guy. I didn’t think about the effect it would have on him, me, or others. The relationship wasn’t a bad idea altogether. He was a great guy who loved the Lord. But, for me, I didn’t start with what was most important. I didn’t start with the understanding that Christ’s sacrifice on the cross made a claim on how I decided to walk out this relationship. I didn’t think that the Savior’s death on the cross—his humility, love and kindness—showed me the way to live and make decisions about someone of the opposite sex. Unfortunately, the relationship continued and it took some time before I considered it in light of the transforming power of the gospel. Puritan John Owen wrote, “When someone sets his affections upon the cross and the love of Christ, he crucifies the world as a dead and undesirable thing. The baits of sin lose their attraction and disappear. Fill your affections with the cross of Christ and you will find no room for sin.”
Owen knew something I was slow to understand. Owen knew that when our thoughts are first vertical—when we begin by thinking about our Savior and what he did for us—the horizontal makes a lot more sense. When we set our affections first on the cross and the love of Christ, our dating aims or goals are transformed because they are marked by a willingness to serve and love as our Savior did. I was too slow to realize that.
But what about you? What does the gospel say to you about dating? We’re all in different places when it comes to relationships. Thankfully, though, the gospel is the same for all of us.
1. The Problem: What’s the first thing that pops into your mind when you’re asked the question: “What is your greatest need or problem?” Ladies, if we’re honest, at the top of the list is often our relationship status—I don’t have a boyfriend, I have one but I’m not sure he’s the one, I thought I’d be married by now—and the list goes on. But if we start where Owen starts—with the gospel—then we’ll quickly realize our greatest need is already met. Our deepest problem, girls, is that we’re sinners in need of a Savior. “Sure, sister, but how does that help me feel better about the fact that I’ve been to fifteen weddings in six months and every girl was half my age?” You’re right, it’s hard. But we can take great comfort that the absence of a relationship isn’t our deepest problem. I can’t imagine what the world would be like if it were! Actually, I can: lots of brownies, tears, late night girlfriend chats, and not to mention gossip, slander, jealousy and all the other things the Bible describes as reprehensible. What good news that at the cross, Jesus took care of the worst of things! When we start down the wrong road of believing our worst problem connects to our relationship status, start by thinking about the hope offered to us in the gospel.
2. Living Without: Not long ago, one of my pastors posted an article on self-pity; in it he states, “Self-pity is sorrow or grief aroused by our own misfortune. It is an intense awareness of an actual or a perceived wrong for which we feel abandoned, unloved, alone and victimized.” Contrast those emotions with Hebrews 4 that states we do not have a Savior who is unable to sympathize with us, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.” Come on girls, you know we enjoy a good pity party. Sometimes we invite others, but we’re just as content to throw a party of one. But see what Hebrews 4 does for us? We don’t have to party alone in self-sympathy, feeling abandoned, unloved, alone and victimized. Our perfect high priest sympathizes with us. Because we have God’s sympathy, we don’t need to indulge our own.
3. Single Pursuit: Before your mind wanders to that one who just started coming to church last week, let’s remember that the single years are primed for purpose. There is One whom we should puruse. The goal of godliness doesn’t change with marital status. Ladies, we have an opportunity to pursue and love the Savior without distraction in our single years through purity, devotion to God and joy in the Holy Spirit (among other things!). When Mr. “Distraction” comes, our opportunity to pursue godliness looks the same, just applied differently. Regardless of whether there’s a special someone right now, we’re all called to the single pursuit of growing in godliness. As single women, let us be marked by single vision and solo pursuit. Let’s love the Savior first and live in a way that reveals He will always be the primary man in our life.
Call it dating, call it courtship, call it dateship—the label isn’t important, it’s hard work. It took a messy relationship, lots of hours of Bible reading, the help of godly friends and many tears to figure out what I believed. But the prize that Owen speaks of—the filling of our affections with the cross so there is no room for sin—is a far greater treasure than the sorry self-pity and loneliness this world offers.
The way we live out the gospel in this one area of our lives is one way we will separate ourselves from the world. Even more than that, though, is the glorious promise for those who trust and apply the gospel penned by a man who knows what it means to be single: “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved …” Remember the little girl at the beginning? She had it right. Jesus died for our sins. It’s that simple.
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